How to relate to those who are suffering By Kenneth C. Haugk.
Review by Sylvester Oluoch.
In this book Dr. Kenneth Haugks gives an assorted account of the findings of his extensive research that was inspired by his own experience of caring for his wife Joan for over four years before she died of cancer. The book is as personal as it is deep. Some of the answers from research participants are cited verbatim and in them lie eye-popping lessons on some of the most common clichés we say to people who are suffering that hurt more than they heal.
He quotes Shel Silverstein’s poem that strike the contrast between the concept of hurting and healing like a crystal ball.
And some kind of help,
Is the kind of help,
That helping is all about.
And some kind of help,
Is the kind of help,
We all can do without.
Based on his experience Haugks asserts that sometimes it takes calamity to learn about caring. It also calls for a deep level of sensitivity when dealing with people who are suffering. His book is laden with lessons that are useful for human resource managers. Haugks tackles a wide array of areas that fall in the concern of general leadership but more specifically narrows down to personnel management.
Among the things that he lists as major causes of suffering and necessitating the need for compassion and loving care are:
- Physical disability
- Job loss
- Caregiver burnout
- Infertility
- Birth of a special needs child
- Miscarriage
- Divorce
- Natural disaster
- Trouble with the law
- Hospitalization
- Life threatening illness
- Parenting struggles
- Death of a loved one
- Spiritual crisis
- Unwanted pregnancy
- Depression
- Empty nest
Suffering people are vulnerable and fragile. To help you understand the direction to take, it is imperative to gather data broadly and without bias. Then distil it, sort and tally. When done objectively a pattern that stands the fire of experience will emerge.
It is important to question any statement before you utter it to a person who is suffering. The guiding question is whether your words will add to agony or they will ease pain. In the event that you are not too sure with your words, silence will be appropriate – less is more. Replace the words with touch, and ensure such touch does not cross the threshold of overreach, governed by your relationship with the suffering individual.
The timing of what you say is as important as the words you say. Measure your words against the state of the moment. Clichés and witty remarks can be inappropriate when the situation is still too hot. They might suffice in the healing as opposed to the grieving period.
Haugks draws a lesson from the Wisdom of Solomon in Proverbs 25:20
Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day,
or like vinegar poured on a wound,
is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.
It is also important to avoid subsuming the suffering in to your own ego. Always remember that this is about the suffering person. It is not about you. Do not be narcissistic in your attempt to provide care.
Do your best to rid your mind of preconceptions and misconceptions and this takes adequate and proper knowledge. Color this knowledge with love and the result of your caring will take some shade of miracle.
Always hold it in your heart that “This too shall pass.”
Key lessons learnt:
- Perfection of character takes a lifetime of effort – continue developing the art of silence and listening. Time your words and your actions well.
- Keep an open mind in your interactions with a suffering person – it dispels preconceptions and misconceptions and that is vital in caring.
- Each challenge is as unique as the suffering individual. Avoid the one-size-fits-all attitude. Get better at dovetailing.
- Recognize that you are only an instrument of fulfilment and that there is a higher spiritual power that sharpens your wisdom – be prayerful.
- Speak with moderation. Talking too much weighs down the suffering person. Do not “quench another’s thirst with a water horse.”
- Empathize with the suffering and recognize that it is okay for them to shade tears and it is alright to feel awful and even weep alongside.
- Don’t wish the hurt away. Provide room for the suffering to ventilate. A catharsis is a critical part of healing.
- Reach out with love. All the fruits of love such as kindness, understanding, hope and compassion will come along. Be consistent.
- Avoid simple fixes and clichés. At the early stages, some individuals prefer to just go “snout to tail.”
- Be honest; be good; be true. Avoid the temptation to avoid and evade the challenges of being around a suffering person.
- Radiate full acceptance of the suffering person however deep and personal the issues may be.
- Be simple in your approach. Simplicity is profound. You cannot afford to belabor and complicate an already tough situation.
Sylvester O. Oluoch is the Publisher, Success Africa Magazine
